October 2013 Long time coming!

It has been some time since I have come here to write and share.  When I started blogging way back when I used to come here daily to voice my opinions, share my life and keep the writer in me alive.  The problem became that I was finding it was also a place for family members to trash me and frankly it took the fun out of it for me.

I think it is time for me to start writing again, here and elsewhere.  I miss the time I spent here at the computer, letting the words flow.  Ontario has not been good for me in terms of writing.  Here I seem to face a block.  When I was out west, in Tofino, I could not stop the words, I was constantly making notes and forging ahead with my writing.  When I moved back that all changed and I have procrastinated and avoided putting pen to paper and it hurts me.

 

I have a couple of books in the works that have gathered dust these past few years.  This weekend I watched the biography of JK Rowling and her trials and tribulations getting her book(s) finished and printed and it gave me a boost.  Writing is easy when you let yourself go and do it.  So today I am promising myself to get back into the swing of things, update myself on the manuscripts to date and forge ahead.  Will I ever publish?  Who knows but isn’t that the best part of writing?  wondering if any one will want to read what you have sweated over to provide?  Time will tell.

It has been sooooo long

Hi.  It’s me…Dee lol.  It has been a very long time since I felt comfortable to come here, write, share a bit of my life..

I used to spend a lot of time writing here, enjoying the process but some people seemed to think they had the right to spoil it for me.  Tonight, I am taking a chance that I have lost my interesting values and will be left alone to once again discover this little place.

 

It is a sad time for me today.  I just got word that someone very special to me has passed away and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.  I hope to satisfy that here.

 

Dale Evan Pearce, Captain of the Scotch Mist, friend, teacher and lover.  Dale and I came together for a short period of time in our lives that was special even as it was never to be long enough!  I could go through a litany of reasons why he is and will remain the best, most healthy and most loving relationship I have ever had but let it be said that I was graced with the confirmation that I do deserve the  best!

 

Dale and I explored the world around Tofino and he taught me so much about the history and showed me the beauty that exists in a place that is still untouched by man.  We enjoyed long beach walks, cooky pictures, nights of wine and tokes and fresh seafood.  We laughed and debated and loved.  I will never forget him nor demean all that he brought to my life during a very dark time of his own.  I hope that I contributed to lessening his pain and encouraged him to continue to live life with a smile.  I know he kept one on my face constantly.

Dale was a man who had lived life, loved a woman he lost too soon and fought his way back out of that darkness.  He was a realist.  Dale was an avid fisherman and he travelled the world to fly fish and loved New Zealand the best.  He was funny, he was intelligent and he was tender.  Dale was a great man and solid friend.

My life path took me back home and our time together was done.  I had to make hard choices and come back to my family.  It wasn’t easy but family is my constant so in the end, coming home was the right choice.  Since then, I have shared my baby girl’s wedding day and the birth of my amazing grandson Preston!  There is nothing to compare to these things, they are special and I cherish those moments.

I have been working my own business and although I have no intention of ever being rich, I eke out a living.  So life is definitely good.

This past month I traversed a new bridge in my life pathway..my sixtyth birthday!  What was hardest was remembering this is the one mom teased me about reaching and I guess I have anticipated it for the past seventeen years….I still miss her and wait for my birthday call…hi mom!

Well this has worked for me, I have sat and completed something…maybe I will come again soon?

Warm breezes and sunshine to all who visit here….Smile and always say I love you now because you might wake up and find that love is gone!  Rest in Peace Dale, love always….

and it contines!

Last night I made a committment to get back to writing and the best way to do that, for me, is to start writing about what I either know about or how I feel about, well just about anything that is important to me…

Wisdom, the wisdom to understand what it is that your wisdom is, that is the main thread through all of this.  Charlie Sheen is considered to be crazy and messed up by the common standard and he is saying get over it…your life doesn’t work for me…I am just doing my own thing here and now am having lots of fun doing it.

Truth is a big thing with me.  I am not afraid of it but I have added to my wisdom pot, the fact that while most people say they are truthful, want the truth, see the truth through the lies, this is the biggest lie I have had to live with.  What is my truth?  My truth is that I am a flawed human being and I make mistakes, misjudgements but I take responsibility for them now and if not, will in the end.  So what?  My perception, my opinion and you can take it or leave it, is that most people lie in order to hide a flaw in themselves.  If they deny or take no responsibility for a truth, then the lie becomes the truth and they can continue to be disallusioned that they are real.  Being real is in my estimation, knowing yourself, good and the bad, accepting it as who you are, changing only the things that concern you and embracing your right to be you in your imperfection.  Hard concept?  I don’t think so, but I have learned it is extremely hard for many people, at least those who have touched my life.

For many years, I wasn’t sure enough, strong enough to face the fact that I am not like everyone else, my brain works in a different way, I see things differently and I form my opinions differently.  I used to be just like I was brought up to be (that blank slate thing in operation!) and worried more about what everyone around me was doing, saying or how they were judging me…it was a hell of a way to live.  There was always something nagging at me and I believe a lot of the anger I carried was more about this attempt to live life according to everyone else than it was at anything you could put your finger on.  My family was always angry about something and this anger was carried and added to as were the years.  Finally, when it was too overwellming for me, I just let it go.  Yes, like every human being I get mad, some times for very good reason, but I move through it and move on.  I can acknowledge my anger and remember that something made me angry, but I no longer take that moment with me into the rest of my life and that is part of my wisdom!

I used to ask people why lying was such a preferred response to life, would telling the truth make the sky fall on our heads?  I am not a good lier and whenever I have attempted to engage in it, I feel out of my element and the feelings of guilt just add to my consternation.  So although I am surely guilty of the little “white” lies we all tell, when it comes to important issues, I work hard to be as honest as I can.  Let me tell you, I may walk away feeling good about it, but it is very evident that those around me aren’t happy.  I have often spoken out against the lie and that immediately makes me the adversary, the enemy. 

People lie I think, to avoid dealing with the reality whether it be about themselves or someone or something else.  This perception we seem to hold that in order to be right, we have to lie is bogus in my opinion.  I was taught to live a life of lies and it has been a struggle to fight against it being the way I deal with my own life.  For example, if I went to a bar when I was younger, I had a drinking problem.  If I decided that my choice in a mate didn’t pan out, I was not only a failure in relationships but I couldn’t commit…no matter that the other main player maybe wasn’t perfect in our relationship, it always fell on me to take the blame….if I loved my kids I was a lousy mother….if I left a job…I was flaky….just a few examples of what I dealt with. 

For most of my young life and leading into my thirties, I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off…sometimes I felt like the ball in a pin ball game that was being controlled by someone else.  It now amazes me that even as I felt mostly unimportant to the major players in my life….I was such a focus for them?  Wisdom has brought me some clarity and I realize now that as I fought against the lie, I actually motivated more aggressive reactions! 

I did not live life as a perfect human being, and I will not die one.  If there is one thing I do want to do, is live it as me and frankly I am old enough, secure enough and wise enough to do that with only my permission being important!  I really don’t give a shit anymore whether anyone else likes it, understands it or approves of it.  Why the hell should I?  If I let others define me…it isn’t me anymore…it is only a manufactured image that is made to make other people feel comfortable, and that isn’t my responsibility.

The long time friends I have, are the ones who allow me the right to be me, aren’t taking a vested interest in changing me and delight in my twisted thoughts and sense of humor.  They are confident enough in themselves not to feel threatened by differences and I guess that is the core of all this truth, power and control thing.

What do I want in my wisdom of old age?  I want to be and live in the reality of who I am, I want the power to take the reins of my life and control the things that affect only me.  I am not going to conform to the lies and I am not going to give up the power that is mine alone and I don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s life.  I did that for my children but they are grown with lives of their own now and all I want is the right to figure out what mine is now.  There are no real roles I have to play full time anymore, there is just me and the years I have left are there for me to enjoy in the way I feel is best for me…for me…not for anyone else. 

I have lived a life of hearing all the things I am doing wrong…but you know what, in the end, the only person who knows what is right or wrong is you!  The only person who is in your skin, can attest to thoughts, opinions and beliefs, the only person who fits into your shoes is you.  The only person who has no choice but face the truth about a life is the person living it…so all those people trying to force a different one on you will not be there when the time comes to answer the questions…they will be nowhere to be seen, so if it will be me alone who stands to answer for my life, then doesn’t it make perfect sense that it is me alone who should decide how I will do that? 

Again, I am imperfect and I embrace that, I have good days and bad, I have all sorts of emotions I have to deal with, anger, jealousy, saddness, aloneness, fear as well as joy, happiness, and all those other great feelings I get from whatever is happening in my life…I am not afraid to say what I feel, but I have the wisdom to guage when that is important or when it is just something that will get lost in the saying of it….I share what I need to share for myself now, and I deal with my responsibility for the emotions evoked in me by situations around me.  It isn’t always easy but if nothing else, it reaffirms for me that my imperfections are mine alone and make me who I am.  Am I a good person, yes I believe my heart is always in the right place and that is all I need to get through my life…knowing that my truth is what I cling to…what the rest of the world thinks or does, well that is their right and as long as they stay the hell away from critiquing my life instead of their own, I am happy to let the world continue on its own path….mine is singular with moments of walking with company…it is my own with its own perculiarities and twists and turns and will always leave questions behind, but that is absolutely okay with me…

Sunshine and warm breezes to all!

Wisdom or is it?

Tonight, I was out having a cigarrette, it was quiet and the dark sky was mottled with twinkling stars and it started me thinking about writing again. I haven’t done much of it since I came back to Ontario and there are very good reasons for that.

Earlier tonight, I watched a video interview with the big name news right now, Charlie Sheen. Recently, in a conversation with some co-workers, I said I thought he was having fun with all the media hounding him and tonight that was confirmed. The scariest part was that I got him!  My response to comments made about this man at work was so what? who really gives a shit? and it stopped people dead in their tracks. I guess I was also talking about my own life.

I have accepted that I am a true Aquarian and my biggest battle most of my life was resisting the attempt by others to put a round peg in a square hole. It just can’t be done people!

Getting back to Charlie. After listening and watching this interview, I realized how much fun he has been having and also how he saw his initial expectations unfulfilled. He admitted to learning a lesson…nothing you really say is ever taken at face value…the perceptions of others take priority…and you are what people determine you are…even if that isn’t who you are!  Could we even imagine what it would be like to walk down the street, minding our own business and have every nuance of you be under scrutiny…the premise is always a negative one…always looking for that flaw, that mistake, that misplaced word or action…being the fodder of everyone else’s interpretation of you?  When you attempt to share yourself…again no one hears you and you walk away shaking your head, realizing that no one really gives a shit about the truth…all they really want is to force that round peg into that damn square hole.

I don’t have an opinion of Charlie’s life because I don’t know what his truth is…and baseing any opinion on what the media puts out there, well I try to stay away from being called a fool whenever I can. My first question is..what effect does Charlie’s life have on mine…answer..none…and there it ends for me…

Charlie lives in his own universe…his flaws are his to answer for…his life should be his own to live…and whatever grievances people in his life have with him…well that should be discussed with him, worked out with him…not the rest of the world…I have heard so many negative things about him and how he lives his life…if some are true, I certainly wouldn’t condone them, but the fact remains that his life..is just that…his. It is his to live or not live, it is his personal experience not ours, it is his responsibility not ours and in the end, only he alone can answer to it…so why is everyone so damn interested in picking it apart and judging a man we only know from movies, tv. and media reports….trust me, all these interviews that have you convinced he is off in lala land…wake up and see how much fun he is having playing with you…he knows exactly how to make fools of those who are so willing to believe everything thing he says…and I suppose, it is understandable since everyone wants to think the worst of him…

My point is I suppose, that we are all flawed and it appears that is a problem for most people…in order to avert themselves away from their own uncomfortable feelings, they seem to need to point out the flaws of everyone else…avoidance and denial are two very effective tools if you don’t want to see what is in the mirror!

Wisdom, they say it comes from living your life for a respectable period of time. I think that I have reached that point in life but what I can say I am wisest about is that nobody really cares! It used to be that elders were respected, looked up to…the ones you went to for guidance and sage advice…that doesn’t exist in our world anymore, at least not on the scale it once did.

I am stifled by my life because I am not writing and not writing because I am stifled! So I am going to push myself to start anew by setting a task for myself…to write about the wisdom I have acquired.

Tonight, I am thinking the first thing on that list is this need for power and control. I see it all around me…it isn’t about control or power over one’s own life.. but seems to center on everyone around you. I believe that if you feel out of control in yourself…the initial reaction is to grab that power and control from other people which in essence only gives you a false sense of both!

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, if used right…and my hindsight has educated me many times over. In looking back, I have learned that one battle I have always had was to be exactly who I am! All my life people have gone to great lengths to try and mold me and get me to conform to their idea of what I should be and I have fought it on many levels…the result is that in rejecting their attempts I have been lablelled all sorts of things…untruths…and then it gets even better when I reject their negative opinions to boot! Maybe I just naturally piss people off…sorry for that, but I do have the right to live in my own little universe within the universal one…in other words, I do have the right to be different, to be me and to be unique.

I have learned that while those who want to change me are busy forcing themselves on me, any hint you might give about them are met with violent adversity…they are very vocal about not appreciating an attempt to judge or hold an opinion about them and they loudly proclaim their right to be who they are! Now come on, does that make any sense to you?  They have the right to be themselves while they are doing everything in their power to take that right away from me? And the most humous thing is that they will deny it until their dying day…okay, I am with Charlie haha…it is so sad all you can do is laugh.

In my life, I have chosen to conform in some circumstances, whether it be a dress code, or appropriate behavior to a particular situation and mostly for the benefit of my children. Being me isn’t always what I felt was best for them and so for many years I played the role that made life easier for them and me. I knew that in order to give them what I believed they deserved and needed, it would mean that some things important to me, parts of me, would have to sit on a shelf gathering dust for a while…well guess what…the time to blow off the dust came when my last child left on her own life adventure…and the process isn’t a singular event believe me!

Sometimes, it is like meeting up with an old friend you haven’t seen in eons. There are fond memories that opens up that closed door…there is a familiarity that exists..but there is also a distance that needs to be broached. I didn’t forget about those parts I shelved, I just don’t know how to fit them all back into place. It is taking time, time to put back this puzzle that I have become…to come to terms with all the roles and titles I have acquired and to then determine what it all means, now, to me, at this point in my life.

I cannot say it clearer than this….I am really tired of hearing what everyone else thinks of me, or what I am doing, or what they think is buzzing around in my brain…I am so tired, I just do not give a shit anymore. Years and years of hearing all this has numbed me finally from caring a wit about what is being said…I don’t care what you do…think…feel….so just lets be fair…and don’t you care the same about me and my life…sounds like a more than fair deal to me.

I am sorry, but I can’t help but laugh sometimes…I look back and see me struggling to please everyone and not realizing I was wasting value life time trying to do the impossible. It never really was about me making everyone else happy, it was about them being satisfied they could make me work that hard…for a prize always withheld.

As I have said before, I believe a newborn has a blank slate, but only for seconds. For a very brief moment, that child is just who they are…then the writing begins…by other’s hands….and it begins…the molding of that innocent into the perceptions of those in power. Parents, siblings, teachers, friends, television, society…they all take part in this treachory…we all are guilty of writing all the wrong things on that slate. Children learn by example best…if we could just be ourselves…what would that example be? Instead, we write what we want other people to see…we teach the child to curb his/her own nature and to conform conform conform….well remember that the great artists, authors, inventors, statesmen…were rarely people who conformed…if they did, life would have stayed the way it was…no real change because we would all have been too busy worrying about conforming instead of stepping out of the box and questioning what is!

I am stepping slowly but surely out of that box. I find as I always have, that it is too confining…too stifling…too cold…I have some years left in me and I want those years to be mine…to be something I can look back at and say…that is exactly what I wanted to do, or say, or be, or achieve…no regrets, no forced conformity…no outside rules I can’t live by…I just want to live my life people…I don’t want your life and I don’t want you telling me what mine has to be….just let go…it won’t be so bad you know…focus on you and I promise you, I will be very busy focusing on me…

So, maybe you can understand why I see Charlie Sheen a little differently than you might…oh maybe he is crazy but then again…who is it again that determines what is sanity and what is insanity?…still waiting for that answer…and between you and me…if insanity is the only way to feel free in my own life…then sign me up!

Sunshine and warm breezes to all…bring our troups home soon!

Back Again!

Well all this new stuff changing from myspace to wordpress, it has been a learning experience…

Haven’t written in oh so long, lots of things going on and of course the biggest and bestest news is that my baby girl is pregnant with her first child, a boy…Preston…who will grace our lives on or around May 20th 2011!

Life has been busy with work and buying and getting my car on the road, moving from Brockville to Iroquois and all the stuff that goes with those sorts of activities.  My cat continues to drive me crazy, she now has a problem just drinking her water, seems she must play in it first, most of it going on the floor not in her belly and then she whines for more!  Oh well, I have never had a pet without a personality quirk…why should Pauline be any different huh?

So as this is my attempt to get back to writing, learning how this site works is of course the priority…so having said nothing much at all haha…I leave you with this…

warm breezes and sunny days to all…a girl must continue to dream of nice things, even when the temp is -21 and there is snow covering the ground hahaha!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.