Tonight, I was out having a cigarrette, it was quiet and the dark sky was mottled with twinkling stars and it started me thinking about writing again. I haven’t done much of it since I came back to Ontario and there are very good reasons for that.
Earlier tonight, I watched a video interview with the big name news right now, Charlie Sheen. Recently, in a conversation with some co-workers, I said I thought he was having fun with all the media hounding him and tonight that was confirmed. The scariest part was that I got him! My response to comments made about this man at work was so what? who really gives a shit? and it stopped people dead in their tracks. I guess I was also talking about my own life.
I have accepted that I am a true Aquarian and my biggest battle most of my life was resisting the attempt by others to put a round peg in a square hole. It just can’t be done people!
Getting back to Charlie. After listening and watching this interview, I realized how much fun he has been having and also how he saw his initial expectations unfulfilled. He admitted to learning a lesson…nothing you really say is ever taken at face value…the perceptions of others take priority…and you are what people determine you are…even if that isn’t who you are! Could we even imagine what it would be like to walk down the street, minding our own business and have every nuance of you be under scrutiny…the premise is always a negative one…always looking for that flaw, that mistake, that misplaced word or action…being the fodder of everyone else’s interpretation of you? When you attempt to share yourself…again no one hears you and you walk away shaking your head, realizing that no one really gives a shit about the truth…all they really want is to force that round peg into that damn square hole.
I don’t have an opinion of Charlie’s life because I don’t know what his truth is…and baseing any opinion on what the media puts out there, well I try to stay away from being called a fool whenever I can. My first question is..what effect does Charlie’s life have on mine…answer..none…and there it ends for me…
Charlie lives in his own universe…his flaws are his to answer for…his life should be his own to live…and whatever grievances people in his life have with him…well that should be discussed with him, worked out with him…not the rest of the world…I have heard so many negative things about him and how he lives his life…if some are true, I certainly wouldn’t condone them, but the fact remains that his life..is just that…his. It is his to live or not live, it is his personal experience not ours, it is his responsibility not ours and in the end, only he alone can answer to it…so why is everyone so damn interested in picking it apart and judging a man we only know from movies, tv. and media reports….trust me, all these interviews that have you convinced he is off in lala land…wake up and see how much fun he is having playing with you…he knows exactly how to make fools of those who are so willing to believe everything thing he says…and I suppose, it is understandable since everyone wants to think the worst of him…
My point is I suppose, that we are all flawed and it appears that is a problem for most people…in order to avert themselves away from their own uncomfortable feelings, they seem to need to point out the flaws of everyone else…avoidance and denial are two very effective tools if you don’t want to see what is in the mirror!
Wisdom, they say it comes from living your life for a respectable period of time. I think that I have reached that point in life but what I can say I am wisest about is that nobody really cares! It used to be that elders were respected, looked up to…the ones you went to for guidance and sage advice…that doesn’t exist in our world anymore, at least not on the scale it once did.
I am stifled by my life because I am not writing and not writing because I am stifled! So I am going to push myself to start anew by setting a task for myself…to write about the wisdom I have acquired.
Tonight, I am thinking the first thing on that list is this need for power and control. I see it all around me…it isn’t about control or power over one’s own life.. but seems to center on everyone around you. I believe that if you feel out of control in yourself…the initial reaction is to grab that power and control from other people which in essence only gives you a false sense of both!
Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, if used right…and my hindsight has educated me many times over. In looking back, I have learned that one battle I have always had was to be exactly who I am! All my life people have gone to great lengths to try and mold me and get me to conform to their idea of what I should be and I have fought it on many levels…the result is that in rejecting their attempts I have been lablelled all sorts of things…untruths…and then it gets even better when I reject their negative opinions to boot! Maybe I just naturally piss people off…sorry for that, but I do have the right to live in my own little universe within the universal one…in other words, I do have the right to be different, to be me and to be unique.
I have learned that while those who want to change me are busy forcing themselves on me, any hint you might give about them are met with violent adversity…they are very vocal about not appreciating an attempt to judge or hold an opinion about them and they loudly proclaim their right to be who they are! Now come on, does that make any sense to you? They have the right to be themselves while they are doing everything in their power to take that right away from me? And the most humous thing is that they will deny it until their dying day…okay, I am with Charlie haha…it is so sad all you can do is laugh.
In my life, I have chosen to conform in some circumstances, whether it be a dress code, or appropriate behavior to a particular situation and mostly for the benefit of my children. Being me isn’t always what I felt was best for them and so for many years I played the role that made life easier for them and me. I knew that in order to give them what I believed they deserved and needed, it would mean that some things important to me, parts of me, would have to sit on a shelf gathering dust for a while…well guess what…the time to blow off the dust came when my last child left on her own life adventure…and the process isn’t a singular event believe me!
Sometimes, it is like meeting up with an old friend you haven’t seen in eons. There are fond memories that opens up that closed door…there is a familiarity that exists..but there is also a distance that needs to be broached. I didn’t forget about those parts I shelved, I just don’t know how to fit them all back into place. It is taking time, time to put back this puzzle that I have become…to come to terms with all the roles and titles I have acquired and to then determine what it all means, now, to me, at this point in my life.
I cannot say it clearer than this….I am really tired of hearing what everyone else thinks of me, or what I am doing, or what they think is buzzing around in my brain…I am so tired, I just do not give a shit anymore. Years and years of hearing all this has numbed me finally from caring a wit about what is being said…I don’t care what you do…think…feel….so just lets be fair…and don’t you care the same about me and my life…sounds like a more than fair deal to me.
I am sorry, but I can’t help but laugh sometimes…I look back and see me struggling to please everyone and not realizing I was wasting value life time trying to do the impossible. It never really was about me making everyone else happy, it was about them being satisfied they could make me work that hard…for a prize always withheld.
As I have said before, I believe a newborn has a blank slate, but only for seconds. For a very brief moment, that child is just who they are…then the writing begins…by other’s hands….and it begins…the molding of that innocent into the perceptions of those in power. Parents, siblings, teachers, friends, television, society…they all take part in this treachory…we all are guilty of writing all the wrong things on that slate. Children learn by example best…if we could just be ourselves…what would that example be? Instead, we write what we want other people to see…we teach the child to curb his/her own nature and to conform conform conform….well remember that the great artists, authors, inventors, statesmen…were rarely people who conformed…if they did, life would have stayed the way it was…no real change because we would all have been too busy worrying about conforming instead of stepping out of the box and questioning what is!
I am stepping slowly but surely out of that box. I find as I always have, that it is too confining…too stifling…too cold…I have some years left in me and I want those years to be mine…to be something I can look back at and say…that is exactly what I wanted to do, or say, or be, or achieve…no regrets, no forced conformity…no outside rules I can’t live by…I just want to live my life people…I don’t want your life and I don’t want you telling me what mine has to be….just let go…it won’t be so bad you know…focus on you and I promise you, I will be very busy focusing on me…
So, maybe you can understand why I see Charlie Sheen a little differently than you might…oh maybe he is crazy but then again…who is it again that determines what is sanity and what is insanity?…still waiting for that answer…and between you and me…if insanity is the only way to feel free in my own life…then sign me up!
Sunshine and warm breezes to all…bring our troups home soon!